Friendships

All my life I have struggled with friendships and relationships. I have always had a difficult time maintaining relationships with individuals with whom I do not have regular contact. Even when young, I usually have had one friend at a time. One of the reasons is that I have not had the emotional energy to maintain many relationships. My wife has been the one stable relationship for the last thirty years.

Now that all grandparents and both parents are gone, I find it difficult to relate to the remaining family members, especially my immediate family. There never seems to be anything to talk about. They are not interested in any personal or family news that I may have. The thinly veiled condescension in their voices does not inspire me to make contact.

This has not been the case with my friends with intellectual disabilities. Contrary to what many "experts" and special education teachers, it is possible for a "non-disabled" or neuro-typical (NT) person to have a real relationship with an intellectually disabled individual. I can relate most easily with the supposed "retarded" individuals.

Conversations are easy. They care about you and what you have to say. I frequently have pleasant "conversations' with non-verbal individuals. I can say, "Hey." They will smile or shake their head or hands. I say, "you're looking good" or "it's so good to see you." This kind of exchange can go on for several minutes. Or it can be simply me patting their head, shoulders, arm or hand with them responding in kind. Sometime the fact that I choose to stand or sit next to them accomplishes the same purpose.

When I think about the real purpose of a conversation, I realized that the exchange of information many times is the least important outcome. The feeling of connection, intimacy and acceptance is usually the real objective of talking with friends. Finding the vehicle for that conversation is what I find difficult when "talk" is the only avenue that is acceptable.