Pretending to be normal

Since my diagnosis with High Functioning Autism (HFA)/Asperger's Syndrome (AS) at age 57, I have been reading a lot about autism and aspergers. What I find most interesting has been individual stories of how they have/are coping with the not being normal "problem". I have been most intregued by Temple Grandin and Lianne Holliday Willey.

In Emergence and Thinking in Pictures, Temple talks about the difficulties fitting in socially with the "normals" when it was the "normals" who were really the ones displaying poor social skills. She found a physical way to meet her need for close contact but could not stand to have other people touch her or be real close. She created a "hugging" machine from a cattle chute.

Lianne discovered her "aspieness" when her daughter was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. She felt like she had arrived home. Now she could "joyfully talk to herself" without feeling like a freak. Her daughters frequently do have to remind her not to talk to herself in public or around others. This is just one example mentioned in her book, Pretending to be Normal.

I read an interview with the authors of a book call Autism/Asperger's and Sexuallity. They were a married couple who both had Asperger's. When asked what the most important thing for individuals with Autism/Asperger's to do, one of them responded that looking and being as normal as possible was the most important thing for an aspie to do. This comment was made several times during the interview. This really did disturb me. If I could do that, I would not have problems with social settings, and basically AS does not exist.

I have tried to "appear as normal as possible" all my life. Did I succeed? Not really, especially after I had been in a situation (friendship, job, group, church, etc.) for a while. In fact, it became harder and harder after 45. Most of the time the problem developed around understanding the "rules", especially the "obvious", "everybody knows that", and those crazy hidden rules. The best news I have received in 30 years was the diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome. I felt like Lianne--I had finally found why I was like I was.

Someone asked me last Summer what it was like to receive the diagnosis at such a late time in life. My response was, "It is much better to have a 'disability' than to be a jerk".

What I am finding out about this who "pretending to be normal" dilema is simple. You have to know who you are before you can "act normal". I have come to the conclusion that I am far much happier just being me, with all the baggage that brings. I have STOPPED pretending to be normal. You can't mimmic something that does not exist. I have realized that "normal" is the creation of the testers and those who would like to dominate and subject me to their supposed superiority.

I am in good company. There are many, many creative geniuses whose recorded behavior fits the HFA/AS criteria. This is a very short list: Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Edison, Mozart, Orson Wells, Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, Glenn Gould, Oscar Levant, Carl Sagan, and Bill Gates.